If you ask me when I figured it out I'd lie. Flat out, bold faced lie. You're not going to be able to tell it's a lie either. See the chance that you'd figure it out are slim to none. They're stacked against you the moment you got close enough to me to see the smirk on my face. You can tell me I'm lying sure, go for it. You just won't be able to prove it, let alone believe it.

So maybe I figured it out when a six car collision timed out perfectly to my drunk ass in the middle of it all wondering what the hell just happened. Think about a scene from the movies, one of those middle of the street crashes where all the cars sort of form a small box in the center? Then shove my dumbfounded ass in the middle of it all wondering just what the hell happened.

They told me it was always latent in me. Just beneath the surface, and if you want me to believe that then you've just shot my ego to hell because I thought I worked hard to get where I was. But if it was just a string of chances lining up all neat for me? Well then that sucks for me.

So I'll tell you it was recently. Probably within a year. That I woke up and won the lottery or something. Which I have. Twelve times. I've handed the tickets off most times, because I don't need that sort of coverage. Maybe I'll be honest too, if you ask. But most times than not? I just would rather not think about it all.

See if all I thought about was the end result, the chance I get rather than the things I do with them? Or the times if I had only known what I could do? Man, I'd be washed up drunker than I was that day in the middle of those cars.

I would say I'd be dead, but I am not sure that can happen just yet.

Elle was a lot to handle on a daily basis. Even before things got more into the physicality of it, saying she was intense was putting it lightly. She was borderline insane some days, but still Bastian didn't seem to mind. He took her in small doses at first, and over the months he'd been building up a tolerance. It wasn't meant to sound mean, but with Elle there was a lot of take, and then when it was give, she gave with a bit of bite to it. Those small crackles of energy across his skin, built up over the weeks and months to something she could push into his chest and he could feel. Always avoiding his heart, the luck of the draw of course, but still winding through his nervous system nearly letting him bite his tongue off a few times.

Small doses increased over time, just like her. Seeing her in the halls, then out during training, always trying to be the show off, the charming bastard trying to impress the blonde that had that simple way of shifting her posture to allow her hip to jut out in an act of childish impetuous behavior when she wasn't getting her way. Sure he was a lot of flash, and the tests they ran on him let him show off because when the odds were in his favor all the time it was effortless to do that sort of display.

That was what probably disturbed him the most though... deep down... was that it was all too easy. He had to wonder, how long had it been like this. How many of his grades weren't earned, how many girls had he convinced to sleep with him without even realizing they really didn't want to. How much of his life was a lie?

It was still easier to manage the doubt in small doses. Think of one instant at a time, instead of an entire lifetime of doubt. One event at a time, one charming smile at a time. One little white lie branched outward into one event that went in his favor. One small spark, from a single kiss that deep down he probably knew he didn't deserve.

Break me down...
...you got a lovely face.
We're going to your place...
...and now you've got to freak me out.



He'd been with worse before. The hot and cold of it all was nothing really, in fact at times it just made her a bit more entertaining late at night. It was like flipping a switch at times, trying to figure out what could set her off... what would settle her down. He had even odds on most things in life, but it seemed she was the one thing he couldn't actually get a number on. He should have been able to get the perfect girl, all wrapped up in silk when he was ready for nice, and leather clad when he was itching for naughty.

Instead he had Elle, and even now he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. It wasn't anything that she did either... it was the one chaotic thing in his life and he was grateful for the fact that for some unknown reason she wasn't quite as 'dependable' as the rest of the things around him. She wasn't like the empty gallon of milk he knew he'd put back being remarkably not empty the next time he needed something for his cereal.

She was kind of crazy, and that was putting it mildly some days. The shine in her eyes and that crooked smile that betrayed her innocence was what attracted him to her in the first place. The fact that even behind all the lack of experience she had, Elle was nothing at all close to inexperienced. She was chaos, and she was probably a bit more than just delusional, and he just didn't seem to care.

When he'd hear the crackle and pop against the plaster in the halls he was never quite sure which Elle was going to visit him. In fact there had been times when he was pretty sure even she didn't know who she really was... but still he stood by her side, because in all the chaos she created some sort of sanity for himself. Maybe in a way he was using her... trying to figure out what it was about her that he couldn't control, but he figured she was using him too, trying to figure out why he stuck around... and how much he could tolerate of what she was.

The cigarette rests on his lips, pulling in the thick smoke before he exhales it into the cool night air. Holding it in his mouth, lips drawn tight to hold it in place he shoves his hands into his pockets trying to dig around and find a few quarters to use the pay phone. Fingertips that found lint for the most part brushed against the rough edges of two quarters that he pulled out and slipped into the pay phone. Hearing them slink into the bottom he pressed the buttons and dialed a number at random. It really didn't even matter anymore, and he was used to things just working out.

Pressing the receiver against his chin and shoulder he pulled the cigarette from his lips holding it between two fingers, "It's Bastian. I need the drop."

"Have you seen her?" The voice on the other end is demanding and he's not used to answering to someone else, but in the mean time it's served him pretty well. Expense account, a few more resources than he's used to having readily available to him, and for the most part he calls his own shots. The arrangements aren't the best, but they're doing pretty well all things considering.

"She's due in late tonight. I'll pick her up," Sebastian replies easily before taking a casual drag off his cigarette. It was another thing he hadn't been too fond of since starting with this group. The perks were there but he hated being away from her for too long. It was lame and overly cliche, but things just weren't as much fun without her at his side. "So drop spot?"

The huff that was heard over the line was distinct, and Sebastian wasn't fond of getting jerked around, "What do you think the odds are that you'll tell me this before the nights end?"

"I don't play odds with you Bastian."

"Smart man, now tell me the drop and I'll pick her up then swing by and get the package. We'll have the same arrangement we've had all along and you won't get hit by a bus on the way to your car tonight." It was snappy and a bit of an overstatement considering he wasn't even sure he could do that at the time halfway across the country from where he was... it would be interesting to try, but he was pretty sure the efforts wasted.

"Pier 43, over on Byer. I'd be more specific but I'm sure you'll get lucky."

Sebastian smirked dropping his cigarette to the ground pressing the toe of his boot into the still smoldering end, "I'll find it, always do."

"Yeah you're real lucky like that."

"It's not luck, it's just going to be a good night."

"Nights not over yet."

"I'll be in touch." Sebastian hung the phone up and slipped his finger into the coin return slot to find the two coins he used for the call waiting for him. Putting the coins into his pocket he patted at his jacket to find his pack of smokes with the ever present last one remaining. Tapping it out he pulled out his lighter and lit the end heading toward the first car he saw parked curbside. Odds were in his favor that the door was unlocked and keys were in the ignition, it just always worked out that way.